What I’ve Decided

By now you may have noticed that I did not do well on my plans for NaPoWriMo. I had the best of intentions but, after a while it became so mandatory rather than pleasurable. Writing has never been that way for me. And so with that I’ve thought long and hard about what to do with this journal.

I’m not going to delete any of the previous written post but, for now the blog will be on hiatus until further notice. I need to be able to write without the pressure of wondering how what I say will be perceived and the best way for me to be able to do that is to not share.

Thanks so much everyone who has checked out my journal and stuck with it despite the infrequent updates. My knitting and spinning journal will still be active so if you’d like feel free to check in there.

And so I reflect

I love old journals. In them is a treasure trove of the past, a hindsight you lust after, an appreciation for wisdom you’ve gained since.

When I was younger, like many my age (early teens), my spelling and grammar showed a great deal of ignorance. (Not that my grammar has improved much.) I remember the joys of sharing my writings, poems, articles and rants with any and all who would listen. In general feedback has always been positive. Occasionally,  it would be harsh but constructive. Very rarely, too rare to recall specific incidents, it would be down right cruel.

wpid-cam00200.jpgPerhaps like myself, my supportive readers, when in school (K-12) you would pass notes/letters to & from various friends. Ever gone back years later and reread such interactions?  Not only does the subject surprise you but, sometimes your tone, attitude, and reasoning will as well. Maybe for the good; perhaps for the worst.

I bring this up to say, I have definitely noticed an improvement in myself over the years but man am I not surprised some friendships went south fast. I never marked myself as rude, insensitive, blunt, or as so often phrased, “Known for telling it like it is.” But apparently that has been one aspect of my personality all my life has stuck no matter how I’ve tried to  eradicate it.

I don’t know if I regret saying many of the things I’ve said but, rather the people I’ve said it too or the tone in which it’s been conveyed. I’d like to think I’ve gotten better at my manner of speech but I think the large difference between now and in the past is the number of people I willingly interact with.

The lesson: keep the old ramblings they are very insightful but, only if you learn from them. Also, if given enough time you can really see the person you are being molded. The good, the bad, the ugly and yes, the effort I mentioned in an earlier post. Because for me. I’m sure I’ve hurt others just as much as I’ve been hurt doubtless unintentionally so. But the effort to grow into the person I’ve become let alone the person I look forward to becoming, requires me to acknowledge who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

O do I have such a long ways to go.

Concerned So

Its late
After 2:30am to be more clear
I have to go to the bathroom but fear any sudden moves will disturb you
It wasn’t difficult getting you to fall asleep it’s just knowing your thoughts I wouldn’t want to arouse in you a state of panic

The childlike innocence with which you cling to your new book I gave you I adore
I love children at this age
So curious about life
So eager to learn

How is one so little able to love so hard and miss you so deeply even when you’re just in the next room?
You’d give them the world if you could
Do anything to prevent them ever being in pain
They foster such a fierce desire to protect

They cling; you worry
Who will break their hearts?
Will they do well in school?
Will they grow up to be good people?
So many worries and concerns cross your mind

You love them how could these things not?

Copyrighted ♡April 7, 2014 Davonna T